הדרכה חשובה במיוחד מאת Nancy Verrier מחברת רבי המכר "The Primal Wound"
ו- "Coming Home to Self". מאומצת, אם ביולוגית ואם לילדה מאומצת, פסיכולוגית קלינית.
להלן תמצית מתוך האתר שלה להורים מאמצים ובקרוב נפרסם תרגום.
מה הורים מאמצים יכולים לעשות – מתוך האתר
◾Deal with the reality of the adoptive situation: …it’s parenting plus!
◾Mother can be alert to and empathic to signs of loss and grieving.
◾Realize that it will be more difficult for her to know what to do for this particular child without genetic markers … be especially aware.
◾If possible, stay home with child; ….
◾Understand child’s coping mechanisms: acting out or compliant….
◾Try to understand the difficulty in growing up without seeing oneself reflected anywhere…
◾Celebrate birthday before the actual day. (Birthday may be separation day … child sad or angry.)
◾Don’t be late picking up child from school, activities, etc. (triggers abandonment).
◾Fear often keeps child from letting in love. Be patient; try not to feel rejected. (It’s not personal.)
◾Tell child about adoption before she knows what it means.
◾As she gets older, answer her questions honestly. (Questions may be acted out, rather than verbalized)
◾Don’t speak for anyone else (i.e., birthmother). Never say: (1) “Your birthmother loved you so much she wanted you to have a good home.” Even if true, this makes absolutely no sense to a child. One doesn’t give away what one loves.
◾If you can, stay in touch with birth family. Child needs mirroring and genetic markers. Honor promises…
◾Learn to understand the differences between behavior (acting out or compliant) and the child’s true personality. Behavior will often be different outside family. Easier for others to discern personality.
◾Acknowledge, respect, and value the differences between adoptee and other members of the family.
◾Encourage child’s talents and interests…
◾Recognize the core issues: abandonment, loss, rejection, trust, intimacy, guilt and shame, mastery and control, and identity.
◾Learn to understand child’s anger as a cover for pain: ◾Allow the child to be herself. Withdraw expectations which do not fit her personality or abilities.
◾Do not try to take the place of the birthmother. ..
◾Don’t try to take away your child’s pain. Acknowledge it, try to understand it, validate it, help her put it into words, and give her ways to work it through.
◾Adoptees are often diagnosed with ADD. This may be a result of the trauma and hypervigilence. It has nothing to do with intelligence. Parents and teachers will need understanding and patience.
◾Prepare child for changes in routine. Fears surprises (like disappearance of mother).
◾Because of interruption of natural order, child may have difficulty with cause and effect or consequences. This is especially difficult during adolescence. Needs to be reinforced early.
◾Child needs strong boundaries and limits, . ..
◾Both need support group to compare notes with other adoptive parents and to avoid isolation.
ננסי וורייר – ראיון חלק 1
ננסי וורייר – ראיון חלק 2
ננסי וורייר – ראיון חלק 3